Movie Opinion

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Knowing (2009)

knowing_poster

Nicolas Cage, Rose Byrne, Chandler Canterbury, Lara Robinson

In 1959 the children of an elementary school decide to paint what they think the future will be. They put the paintings in a capsule that they bury in order to reopen it in 50 years. In2009 they open it and one of them contains not a picture, but a sequence of numbers that fall in the hands of the only person who can understand them and realizes that they predict catastrophes that date till the end of the world.

How can such an excellent idea for a  movie can become such a lousy movie. You are sitting comfortably in you cinema chair and suddenly you cannot believe your eyes and your ears. Are you supposed to laugh or get angry for your lost money and time? And when you think that things cannot get worse they really do. And then they get even worse. And then even worse. And guess what! They get far more worse.

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March 29, 2009 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate, Trailers | , , , , | Leave a comment

Dragonquest (2009)

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A young hero will arise to save the world… again.

What a movie. Such fresh ideas that we’ve never seen before.

A young man who happens to be the chosen one finds the truth, but he really is not ready for such a quest, because nobody wanted to tell him the truth and prepare him. Then he will have to complete a series of quests in order to find some jewels that will complete a pendant that has the power to awaken a dragon that can defeat a dead guy. This is a one man job, because everybody expects him to do the whole thing while the rest sits and waits.

These quests are not that difficult. I can be the chosen one. Everyone can break out of a prison with one guard. Everyone has given a penny to a poor guy. Everyone will freeze at the site of a huge spider. And the hero did not go to the bathtub with that girl, because we all know that a hero never has sex before marriage. Yes, he will defeat the bad guy with his virtue. Hail, to the virgins of the world for they hold our salvation.

The actrors performances are so breathtaking that I can only compare to a porn movie star before the sex scene and the battles are so epic that I can only compare to Worf’s agility in Star Trek.

Watch at you own risk.

Cannot even find a trailer for this one. Cannot find a good poster. It seems the producers didn’t even bother.

March 24, 2009 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate, New Movies, Trailers | , | Leave a comment

Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)

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Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, Joan Cusack, John Goodman, John Lithgow, Kristin Scott Thomas

Long Story Short: A beautiful young woman suffering form a compulsive shopping disorder with a huge dept finds a new job and love. That pretty much is the whole story from beginning to the end. Not that I spoil anything here, but everyone can figure out the end. Its the same story every single time when it comes to romantic comedies.

Analysis: A beautiful young woman is hired by a guy, because he likes her ideas, but we all know he is sexually attracted to her. She appears at the job interview telling all the wrong stuff a person shouldn’t say, but the other candidates were guys and a woman in a suit. Then, the first day at the office he realizes she is completely clueless, but instead of firing her he takes her to a party with business associates and future customers and she says all the stupid things a person can say, but since it is movie everybody loves her. In the real world nobody likes to be criticized or slapped. What happens next is a sh…ty situation when she loses everything, but since we said again this is a movie everything works fine in the end.

You might say that I said the whole movie, but I’m trying to save you 90 minutes of your lives. You really don’ t want to see a woman screaming and being stupid and trying to persuade you that she became a shopaholic, because she has issues when the other girls had shinier shoes and clothes when she was a child. This called jealousy that leads to materialism.

March 24, 2009 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate, New Movies, Trailers | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

True Blood (2008) TV-Show

Anna Paquin, Ryan Kwanten, Rutina Wesley, Alexander Skaarsgard

The vampires have decided to reveal their existence to their… food. Two years later in a small town a waitress who can read people’ s minds meets a vampire and they fall in love.

I always enjoy stories about vampires, but this is not a story about vampires. It is a love story and one of the two just happens to be a vampire and the other reads people ‘s minds, but I already mentioned that. How normal. Oh, the vampire protagonist happens to be the beautiful mysterious guy with the face of a fragile melancholic rose. Blond definitely is not Anna Paquin’ s color.

As I said before love stories are boring, but a love story with vampires and a pile of ten corpses at each episode is exciting. This one has only two bodies at the second episode and they didn’t bother to die from blood loss. Seeing the first episode I made myself believe that the second must be a little more interesting, but I was wrong. At the end of episode 2 I had the feeling that I saw 3 boring movies in a row. This means that I won’t be seeing the rest of the season.

September 16, 2008 Posted by | Movies We Hate, Trailers, TV-Shows | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

X-Files: I want to believe (2008)

David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connoly, Xzibit, Mitch Pillegi

Mulder gets pardoned from the FBI for his past sins and is asked to verify the visions of a pedophile ex-priest about a kidnap case.

What? No aliens? I am a big X-Files fan, but the film is a big disappointment. What is the point of making a film based on a series that it is based on aliens that has no aliens in it. The movie should be only about ALIENS and nothing more. It was like seeing a big boring episode.

Also the FBI cannot be that incompetent and cannot find clues on a crime scene. The whole team was running behind the ex-priest who was running like a mad man all around. Doesn’t the FBI know about the CSI?

Scully’ s existence in the film was pointless and Mulder wants so much to believe that if he was told he could fly he would jump of a bridge with no hesitation. At least now I know why the FBI didn’t bother arresting him all the time. The guy is nuts and no one believes a mad man.

I want to believe that Chris Carter will redeem himself with something better next time.

PS. Scully found a cure for a brain disease from the Internet. Can I buy a doctor’ s license from e-bay too?

September 1, 2008 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate, New Movies | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Ruins (2008)

Four young Americans, a German and a Greek decide to visit some uncharted pyramid in Mexico. Unfortunately they are trapped there, because once they set their foot on it the locals won’t let them leave in fear they will spread a deadly vine with personality to the jungle.

I was hoping to see a monster emerge from the ruins and not some plant who has a taste for human flesh. What is more they never get more than two rooms inside so we never really feel the agony of them lurking in the dark passages, because they will get their flesh torn and chewed. We just see them sitting on top nagging for their fate and waiting to die.

The Greek guy was the first to die. Very obvious since he only spoke Greek and only Greeks outside Greece speak Greek so why keep someone alive you don’t understand what he is saying. But he had a quick death. The German on the other hand suffered the most and I can only assume the film-makers really hate Germans. I won’t say what happened to him, but according to what I saw becoming a fertilizer for a human-eater vine wouldn’t sound such a bad idea at that time.

This is a really good made trailer.

August 27, 2008 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate, Trailers | , , | Leave a comment

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)

There are some movies that producers should never bother with, but people always make mistakes.

The first movie was very entertaining and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is one of my favorite actors (without saying he is the best), but the second which is the prequel is really really bad. I had more fun painting my toenails while watching it.

Never heard of any of the actors except faintly for Randy Couture who is a wrestler and he gets a pretty ugly tattoo on his head at the end of the film. The only good thing is a Chinese guy who it seems at the start that the writers wanted him getting killed but then they decided to give him a larger part and forgot to make the corrections.

Here is the trailer who was made by people who did not pay attention to the story.

P.S. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kelly Hu have nothing to do with this film.

August 26, 2008 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate, Trailers | , , , , | Leave a comment

Blueberry (2004)

Vincent Cassel, Juliette Lewis, Michael Madsen

Far the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.

Vincent Cassel loses his parents from Michael Madsen when he was a kid and wants revenge. Michael Madsen want to find a tresure of indian gold and there is Juliette Lewis who is the amore of Vincent Cassel, because in a bloody picture there is always a damsel in distress.

The first half of the picture is something my mind wanted to erase desperately. The second half Madsen pursues the treasure, Cassel is after him and Lewis is after Cassel.

Lewis loses her father, gets raped and she sings. The last is bad for us. Madsen finds the place where the treasure is supposed to be, he gets confronted by Cassel and they both take hallucinogens and they get high.

The high state lasts 20 painful minutes of visual effects that you never know why you are watching them. If this is what you see when you are taking drugs, then mama I swear I will never take drugs in my life. It looks pretty awful.

The film ends right after and we do not know what happened to Madsen. We just see Lewis naked (so what?) and Cassel’ s ass (so what?) and they both take a bath in a lake. We do not know if they found the treasure or if they got revenge.

THE END

August 11, 2008 Posted by | Movies from 2000-2009, Movies We Hate | , , , , , | Leave a comment